


Red Shirt, n: 1. Certain Death, 2. Hidden Affection

by kyaticlikestea



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series, Star Trek: The Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Crack, Ficlet, Humor, M/M, Misunderstandings, One Shot, Wordcount: 1.000-3.000, Wordcount: 1.000-5.000, text, text fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-13
Updated: 2013-05-13
Packaged: 2017-12-11 19:25:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,780
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/802312
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kyaticlikestea/pseuds/kyaticlikestea
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After realising that wearing a red shirt seems to equate to certain death on board The Enterprise, Jim begins to wonder just why Spock might have given him a red shirt on his first day. Spock insists that there was an ulterior motive rather than threatening Jim's life, but won't divulge what it is. Bones is just too old for this shit.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Red Shirt, n: 1. Certain Death, 2. Hidden Affection

**Captain James T. Kirk:**  Spock?

 **Commander Spock:** You are aware that this is the number of my communications device, Captain. Use of my name to confirm this is not necessary.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Hello to you, too.

 **Commander Spock:** Was there something you required?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Yeah, actually. But also no.

 **Commander Spock:** ‘Yes’ and ‘no’ are dichotomies, Captain. It is one or the other.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** All right. Yes. But you’re not going to like it.

 **Commander Spock:** A situation I am not unfamiliar with. I am listening.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Cute. Well, I’ve been doing some research into our casualty rates on recent missions, y’know, for official purposes. Reports and shit. Very above board stuff. Definitely not a drunken bet with McKinnick from The Valiant that our mortality rates were lower.

 **Commander Spock:** I have no doubt that the alcohol was purchased from very official Starfleet premises.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** It was moonshine, actually. Damn near went blind. Seriously, Spock, if McKinnick ever offers you a glass of something that looks a bit like vodka but smells like a cross between paint thinner and a Klingon’s armpit, don’t take it. You’ll be seeing stars, and not from the bridge.

 **Commander Spock:** As a Vulcan, alcohol has no effect on me. I assure you I would be safe.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** As a life form, I assure you that you wouldn’t. Anyway, I digress. This research threw up some very interesting figures.

 **Commander Spock:** Interesting in what way, Captain?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Red shirts.

 **Commander Spock:** I am afraid that you appear to have made a logical misstep, Captain. ‘Red shirts’ is not a degree of interest. Perhaps the rest of your message was cut off?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** No, Spock. That was it. Red shirts. Do you know how many people we’ve lost since I became Captain of the Enterprise?

 **Commander Spock:** There have been exactly 67 casualties, Captain. A commendably low number considering the length of your tenure. In what way is this relevant to a colored garment?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Firstly, your thinly veiled euphemisms won’t help you now, Spock, so don’t even try it. And secondly, do you know how many of those 67 casualties wore red shirts?

 **Commander Spock:** I can assure you that no euphemistic nature was intended with my previous message, whether thinly veiled or not. 64, sir. I can provide a list of names and rank if this would be beneficial to your report.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Screw the report, Spock. 64 out of 67 people who’ve died since I took charge have worn red shirts.

 **Commander Spock:** That is correct, sir. Will that be all?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** No. No, it will not. I didn’t ask you for those facts because I didn’t know them. I asked because I wanted to see if you did.

 **Commander Spock:** As First Officer, it is rather my duty to be aware of these things, Captain. I repeat my earlier question: will that be all?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** I repeat my earlier answer: Hell no.

 **Commander Spock:** Your previous response did not contain the vernacular, Captain, but I will take your point. What is it you would like to know?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Do you remember what you gave me the first week I was on board?

 **Commander Spock:** I believe I do, yes. Would you like me to remind you?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** You gave me a red shirt, Spock! You gave me a damn red shirt!

 **Commander Spock:** That is correct, sir.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Why? Why, knowing – as you must have known – that 99% of all crew members who die on duty are wearing red shirts?

 **Commander Spock:** 95.52%, Captain.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** That’s not even close to the point! That’s further from the point than this situation is from OK! You gave me a damn death sentence, Spock! A horse’s head! A raven! A red shirt!

 **Commander Spock:** If I might explain myself, Captain.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Please do, because right now I’m trying to come to terms with the fact that my First Officer tried to kill me!

 **Commander Spock:** You were already aware of that, sir, as was the entire bridge while my hands were regrettably around your neck.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** You’re a regular comedian, Spock.

 **Commander Spock:** Vulcans are not well predisposed to comedy, Captain.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Then you must have some real clowns on your mom’s side, because you’re killing me.

 **Commander Spock:** That was not my intention.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Really? Isn’t that the point of this conversation?

 **Commander Spock:** You appear to know little of Vulcan culture, Captain.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Yeah, you know that whole ‘logical misstep’ thing you were talking about a few minutes ago? Pretend I’m an idiot for a second.

 **Commander Spock:** I will do my best, Captain.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** And I’ll pretend to ignore that. Still waiting on an explanation, Spock.

 **Commander Spock:** In Vulcan culture, the color red is often associated with luck. It is not uncommon for items of that color to be presented in order to convey a wish for that person to achieve highly. It is unfortunate that my actions could also be construed in a less savoury way, but I assure you, Captain, that my intentions were not to construe a desire for grievous bodily harm.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Really, Spock? Really? That’s the best you can come up with? That it was an olive branch and not a hint?

 **Commander Spock:** Vulcans cannot lie, Captain.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Bullshit.

 **Commander Spock:** It is a biological fact.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** What, that it’s bullshit?

 **Commander Spock:** I believe you are being intentionally obtuse.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** That’s intentionally obtuse Captain to you, Spock.

 **Commander Spock:** It certainly is, sir. My apologies. If that will be all, then I am afraid I have other business to attend to.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** It’s not all!

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Spock? For the love of God.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Chasing a tribble around the lower deck is not sufficient ‘other business’, Spock!

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Damnit. 

* * *

  **Captain James T. Kirk:** Bones?

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** No, it’s Nancy Drew. What do you want?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Is that any way to talk to your Captain? Even jumped-up schoolteachers get an ‘oh Captain, my Captain’ from time to time.

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** Teach me something and I’ll stand on a desk. Did you need anything important?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Just your smiling face and optimistic warmth, Bones, as always. But also a favor.

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** Do I owe you one?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** No, but Starfleet owes you a pay check and I think helping me is sort of included in your job description, so suck it up, Buttercup.

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** Every day, I regret giving you that damn vaccine. What do you want?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** How’s your knowledge of Vulcan culture?

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** About as good as the Hobgoblin’s knowledge of social interaction and hairdressing. Why?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Could you look something up for me?

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** What, you can’t do it yourself? Captain of the Enterprise can’t read a damn book?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** It’s much more fun to watch you jump through hoops.

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** I’ll put you down for nothing but rectal exams for six months, Jim, don’t think I won’t.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** You’ll have to buy me dinner first, Bones. I’m not that kind of girl.

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** But wouldn’t Pointy get jealous?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** I’ll put Fat Larry from Engineering down for a rectal examination if you’re not careful.

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** That? That was cute, that right there. Classic Jim Kirk, would rather talk about rectal examination than feelings.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** You know me, Bones, allergic to everything.

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** I noticed.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** If it helps, you make me feel warm and gooey and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** It doesn’t. Last chance to actually tell me what you want before I spread a rumor about your levels of sexual hygiene.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Hey, my sexual hygiene is impeccable. Does having sex in the shower count?

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** How does a case of Chlamydia sound?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** No sense of humor. Look, I need you to find out something about Vulcan culture for me. Do they have a color that signifies good luck?

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** I need a pay rise.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** You need to remember who pays you.

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** Yeah, not you. I’ll see what I can do, but I’m on shift for the next couple hours. Can it wait until this evening?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** I guess. Thanks, Bones. And hey – don’t tell Spock about this, all right?

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** Like I ever tell him anything apart from how much he unnerves me.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** You told him that he terrified you last week.

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** That’s progress for you. Talk later. And Jim – why do you want me to do this, exactly? What do you get out of it?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Peace of mind?

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** That means ‘laid’.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** I doubt it. Thanks, Bones.

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** Don’t mention it. But do, actually, because I’ll probably need a favor at some point next week. Got my eye on Lola in Engineering. 

* * *

 **Commander Spock:** Captain? May I have a word?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** You can have two. Go away.

 **Commander Spock:** That was six, and no, I will not. This is a matter of grave importance.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** ‘Grave’? You’d know all about that, wouldn’t you?

 **Commander Spock:** I fail to see the relevance or the usefulness in noticing unintended metaphors in my speech, Captain. I am outside your quarters. I highly suggest that you permit me to enter.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Why? So you can stab me in the back? Et tu, Brute?

 **Commander Spock:** I am unarmed, and you are being ridiculous.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** The robot speaks of emotion! Tell me, Spock; why did you do it?

 **Commander Spock:** Why did I give you a symbol of goodwill, Captain? Is it not obvious?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Why you decided that I deserved to die is obvious, yes. I’d just like to hear it from you.

 **Commander Spock:** I can provide no such answers as the question itself is irrelevant and petulant.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Coming from you, that’s almost poetic. Cut the crap, Spock. We both know that you wanted to be Captain. Giving me a red shirt and dooming me to a 95% chance of death was a pretty good way of doing that.

 **Commander Spock:** Captain, you are being illogical. I can count three separate and individual flaws in that argument.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Oh, really? Enlighten me. Where did my logic falter?

 **Commander Spock:** Firstly, you insinuate that my main motivation behind my actions was an inherent desire to become Captain. In insinuating this, you forget that at the time of my gift I was already Captain. You had not yet taken control. To suggest that I saw you as a threat when I was unaware even as to your status as First Officer is illogical. Secondly, do you truly believe that the most effective method of sealing your demise – if you insist upon the assumption that this was my intention – was to present you with a red shirt? As you have realised, this gesture does not offer a 100% chance of mortality. Even if we are to ignore the obvious logical fallacy of assuming that crew members in red attire are predisposed to an early death, there is a 5% margin of error within that calculation that would leave you alive. There are several methods by which I could ensure your death with a 100% rate of success, and were I to desire your removal from this mortal plane, would I not have used those methods? This ship is weaponised, Captain, and red shirts are scarcely the pinnacle of modern weapons technology. Thirdly, you ignore that my motivation was not to kill you. It was simply to wish you luck.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** You done yet? That’s quite an essay, Spock.

 **Commander Spock:** I find it helps to present my arguments logically and in a linear fashion. Do you understand, Captain?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** I get what you’re saying. Doesn’t mean I believe it. Why would you want to wish me luck? That’s what I don’t get. That’s the problem with all this. You hated me, Spock. Despised me. Disinfected the ground I walked on.

 **Commander Spock:** That is an exaggeration.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Don’t be obtuse. Why? Why would you give me a gesture of goodwill? I was threatening to usurp you!

 **Commander Spock:** A threat I did not take seriously at the time.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Not helping!

 **Commander Spock:** It would help if you were to remind yourself of the connotations that red has within Terran culture, Captain. I am half human, after all.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Anger. That helps your case how, exactly?

 **Commander Spock:** There are other connotations.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** There’s only two things that red connotes in my book, Spock, and those are anger and lust. Sometimes at the same time. Not sure either of those really explains why you would give me a red shirt.

 **Commander Spock:** I disagree.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** I don’t understand. Anger, lust and good luck? That’s your explanation?

 **Commander Spock:** It is as good an explanation as I am willing to offer via this method of communication.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** Works for me. As long as my life’s not on the line, I’m pretty happy.

 **Commander Spock:** Your life is not in danger, Captain. Might I make a suggestion?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** You might make several. Do any of them involve removing clothes because I’m wearing a red shirt today and that might be a bit metaphorical.

 **Commander Spock:** If I am proven to be correct in my explanation of the color red within Vulcan culture, then you are to accept that my intentions were not as unsavoury as you had previously been led to believe.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** That seems fair. I might change my shirt.

 **Commander Spock:** Might I make another suggestion, Captain?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** You’ve only made one so far, and I did promise several. Not wearing red anymore. Or any color, actually. Too many connotations spoil the broth.

 **Commander Spock:** Might I wait inside your quarters while you await the relevant information? I am receiving interested looks from passers-by.

* * *

  **Captain James T. Kirk:** Got to make it quick spock is ehre but bones what did you find ut about the Vulcan lucky colr thing

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** They do have a color that symbolises luck. Red. Why are you typing like you have no fingers? Have they swollen up again? What have you eaten?

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** ok thank you bonesthat is very heplfkl indeed red means awesome in human language edid you know that

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** No problem whatsoever. No, wait, it is a problem. Why are you typing like that? Damnit, I’m your doctor! I need to know these things!

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** you really dont hahahaa spock doesn’t want to kill me though s its ok he just realyy lies red bey bones

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** Is Spock there? Put him on, or I’ll hypo your eye sockets until they bleed.

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** no we are very busy!!!! ogijjo

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** Oh. Oh Christ. Oh God, stop. Seriously, I’m getting Scotty to disconnect your comms. No man should have to put up with this, Jim. No man! I’m going to go and bleach my eyes and if you think you’re having anything other than rectal examinations for the next month, you’re wrong!

 **Captain James T. Kirk:** fiiine by me

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** I'm telling everyone that the T stands for Tiny. 

 **Commander Spock:** It does not. 

 **Dr. McCoy (Bones):** I wish we had a real bridge. I'd throw myself off it.

**[This communication channel has been terminated]**

**Author's Note:**

> This fic came about when my friend and I saw Into Darkness and decided that red shirts meant death. She asked for a fic to this degree, and like the crack dealer that I am, I provided.


End file.
